I've just started a journal of advice to my future self regarding my relationship with my adult daughter and her family. Here's what I have so far:
1. Offer to take care of your grandchild frequently. It's not babysitting, it's special time with a special child.
2. If your child asks you to do something, say yes or no. Don't say yes and then guilt her about it. If you can't do it graciously, don't do it at all.
3. Offer to do diaper changes when a baby is visiting. Mommies and Daddies do them constantly, and just doing one for them will seem to them like a mini-vacation. (Especially offer to change poopie ones.)
4. Be a good listener. Be more interested in your child than in yourself.
5. Validate your child. Even if you are tempted to play the Devil's Advocate, remember your child needs someone to be on her side.
6. Do not minimize your child's concerns, hurts, or fears.
7. Give your child space and respect her boundaries, but don't create distance between you.
8. Never stop telling her she's beautiful and smart, and how proud you are of her.
9. Make an effort to get to know and be friends with her in-laws. This will make her life MUCH easier!
10. Let her to the traditional treats (stockings, Easter baskets, etc.) for her children. You had your turn when she was little, and there are plenty of other ways to spoil your grandchildren.
11. Unhealthy foods are NOT a good way to spoil your grandchildren. Keep healthy snacks they like on hand.
12. Do not repeat stories in front of your child in which she comes off poorly.
13. Do not burden your child with unpleasant information about your past.
14. Be realistic about your spouse (and possibly sympathetic!) but never talk badly about him. This can be very divisive to families. Continue to foster a good relationship between your spouse and child.
15. It's okay if your child calls just to talk to Dad.
16. Whenever possible, be waiting at the door when your child arrives and wave goodbye from outside. This lets her know how happy you are to spend time with her.
17. Do not criticize your grandchildren's behavior, even if there is something the parents need to be made aware of. Just tell them the facts without editorializing. Also, if your child is present at the time of the offense, it is not necessary to point in out to her. She has the same powers of observation that you do.
18. Expect the same standards of behavior from your grandchildren that their parents do. When you are caring for them, your grandchildren's discipline is your responsibility. Ask your child to she handles discipline and follow her lead when the children are in your care.
19. Do not blow off your child for different plans unless it is an emergency situation.
20. When your child is an adult, it is okay not to blow off previously made plans for her.
21. Just because your child does something with her children differently that you did or would with her, doesn't mean either of you are wrong. Be open and supportive to your child's ideas.
22. Give the gift of family memberships.
23. Continue to celebrate your child's accomplishments.
24. Offer to take care of your grandchildren if your child isn't feeling well - even if you can only spare a couple hours, it can help!
25. When your grandchild is first born, go over to visit the baby and send the parents to take a nap. Do this often!
26. Offer to keep your grandchildren overnight from an early age, but don't push it if his or her parents aren't ready yet.
27. Let your grandchildren decide whether they sleep with you or alone when they sleep over, and give them both options every time.
